I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
