He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
