My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
