im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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