I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Randomize
