M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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