I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
