She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
