PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
