Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
