I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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