I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
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He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
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In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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