It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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