I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
