I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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