I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
