He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
