she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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