FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
