had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
The feeling are messing with the penis
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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