i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
