he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
