we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Fuck me I smell like cheese
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
