Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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