it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
