I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
thus making me awesome and them whores
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
