My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
