im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
