Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
