if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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