I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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