Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
