He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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