wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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