My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
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