Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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