U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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