they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
