i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Randomize
