just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
