I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
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he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
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Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
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