Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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