I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
