I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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