My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
