ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
