either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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