You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
