Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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