Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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