Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
