I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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