it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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