I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
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The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
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That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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