don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Randomize
