i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I think your dad took our porno
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
